Rehab
by sabrina77
Summary: MerDer Post Season 3.  Our star crossed lovers, attempt to reconcile in Hawaii.  Could it actually happen?  And how long would it last?
1. Chapter 1

_Hello. This is my first shot at a Mer/Der story. Hopefully it will get better as we move along. Have patience with updates though, I am pregnant and run after a toddler all day. Reviews, constructive criticism are more then welcome. I have started Chapter Two at length. It should be up shortly. The one thing I truly am terrible at is dialogue so if the updates are delayed its because a) I am pregnant b) My toddler is not sleeping c) I am tweaking and re-tweaking the dialogue between the characters. Thanks for reading!_

_I guess I forgot the disclaimer. Um, all characters, not mine. They belong to Shonda and ABC. (unfortunately). I seek no monetary gain for their use. I just want to play with them and make them bright and shiny for awhile. Ok well not completely bright and shiny, but certainly more then Shonda likes them to be._

There was truth to the often spoken word that Hawaii is one of the most beautiful places on earth. Lush vegetation and miles of gorgeous ocean shore make this cluster of tiny islands the place to retreat to when you want to forget about the real world. And when you want the real world to forget about you, at least for a little while. And never was this more true for anyone then it was for Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang.

Desperate to escape the harsh realties of their careers and their love lives, the two surgical interns had retreated to the island paradise.

They sat at the small cafe. A morning feast of of fresh fruit, Eggs Benedict and sweet rolls sat untouched between them. Neither of them seemed to have much of an appetite this morning. Their minds distracted by thoughts that had nothing to do with gourmet food. The pot of hot Kona coffee however sat empty, a steaming cup sitting comfortably in front of each woman.

After taking a swig of coffee, Cristina leaned back in her chair and placed both her hands behind her head. She eyed her friend with such precision stealth that the question that left her mouth would have shocked even the most prepared soldier.

"Have you called him?"

Subtlety had never been a Cristina Yang personality trait. She asked the hard questions expecting immediate answers. Embarrassment, pain were concepts utterly foreign to her. It was part of what made her such an excellent surgeon.

Meredith shot her a look, her piercing blue/green eyes highlighted by a golden tan. She bit her lip thoughtfully and tucked a strand of dirty blonde hair behind her ear.

"No..." She answered sadly, taking a sip of coffee and fidgeting with her napkin so intently, it was as if she expected life's most difficult answers to appear.

"Mer..."

"I... left him Cris. He practically begged me to leave and I did." She said with a shrug of her shoulders.

Cristina just rolled her eyes and glared at Meredith. "Mer, if this has anything to do with Burke and and him leaving me."

"No, this absolutely has nothing to do with that." She said, careful to avert her eyes to avoid Cristina's face, which was dripping with skepticism.

Cristina eyed her friend suspiciously. After all this time they had been friends and colleagues she was amazed that she would even bother trying to lie to her. She had told her a thousand times, you can't fool another liar.

"Mer, you're lying. Whatever. I don't need to know what exactly went down between you two but you need to fix this pronto."

Meredith was stunned. "Why? You have despised everything McDreamy since the day Addison showed up. Why is this so important now?"

Cristina shoved her chair backwards and crossed her arms. "I am going back to work. Tomorrow."

Meredith facial expression changed quickly from one of frustration to one of concern.

She was hardly surprised though. Cristina lived and breathed life as a surgeon and Meredith was amazed they had been able to stay away for as long as they have. No, Cristina going back to work was not what concerned her. It was her refusal to talk about Preston Burke that had her concerned.

"We still have a few days left...and… are you sure you're even ready?"

"Mer, I am more then ready. I need to cut people open or I am afraid I will have to be committed."

"Maybe we should talk first...you know...about the Burke thing.."

"Absolutely not Mer. It's over and done and you have Derek problems to deal with right now."

Meredith knew not to push her. Cristina wasn't known to voluntarily pour her heart out, or wallow in her own self pity. However, if this became to much for her to bear, Cristina knew she could always turn to Meredith. And Meredith had hoped this time was no different.

Her thoughts drifted back to Seattle and returning home to Derek. "I don't think I am ready to go back yet." She honestly didn't believe she would ever be ready. The pain of facing Derek, was just too much for her to deal with right now.

Reading her like a book, Cristina stated the obvious "Call him. Ask him to come out here for a few days. I am sure it will be time well spent."

Meredith looked at Cristina with hard eyes, absolutely paralyzed at what she had just suggested.

It was unthinkable. She had left. Without so much as a word to Derek, she had left. She had no reason to believe he was even still speaking to her.

"You'll never know unless you call him." Cristina stated, once again reading her thoughts. With that she tossed her napkin on her plate and abruptly left the table.

As Meredith watched her friend walk away, she attempted to process what she had just said.

He had asked her for a commitment to him. It wasn't as deep as marriage or even living together, he had simply asked her to be there in the relationship with him, to allow him to love her unconditionally. Unable to do that, she ran. She ran because she was Meredith Grey and she was afraid of being loved, afraid of loving someone else. No she couldn't call him, he was better off without her and deserved someone who could actually _be_ the love of his life.

Her heart however, spoke a different tune, as it sat deep inside of her, slowly breaking. Only her heart knew how deeply she loved Derek Shepherd and how the agony of not being with him, continued to shatter her into a thousand pieces.

"You're the love of my life, Meredith." His final words to her echoed through her head.

She remembered how his eyes, his voice, were so full of intense love for her. As she stood there in the eye of his gaze, her heart began to race. The fierce pounding in her chest was so violent, she thought she would simply collapse from the pressure.

Remembering those last moments with him forced tears to her eyes. Struggling for air, she grabbed her tote and practically sprinted out of the cafe.

Cristina,watching her the entire time from the shadows, rolled her eyes angrily. She dug her cell phone out and punched in the digits to Seattle Grace Hospital.

And Derek Shepherd had been blown away by the phone call.

"She needs to see you, Derek. Only she is being to stupid to admit it right now." She told him, almost regretfully. She hated Derek Shepherd with all her being, but if he was the path to her friend's happiness, she wouldn't stand in the way. Going a step further to _help_ bring them together was something she never wanted to admit and she swore him to secrecy even before she had mentioned Meredith's name.

Derek was suspicious. "Why are you telling me this, Cristina? After everything. Addison. You were the most unforgiving person."

There was a long silence from the other end and for a moment Derek thought she had hung up.

"Do this Derek, or you'll lose her forever. I will email you the hotel and island information." And with that the phone suddenly went dead.

After the conversation he sat and struggled with his decision for hours.

The last time he saw Meredith had been incredibly painful. He had declared his love, his lifetime commitment to her. He hadn't asked her for the same in return, he simply needed to know that she still loved him. And while he had more then expected her to shut down, he was surprised that she had left all together.

When she left without telling him, he thought he had gotten his answer. Meredith no longer loved him and wasn't interested in a future together.

Slowly, over the weeks that she had been gone, the anguish of their breakup had begun to tear him down, and at times he felt like he was unable to breath. The gaping pressure in his heart, virtually sucking the life out of him.

Derek ran his hands through his dark mess of curls atop his head and over his gritty stubble and sighed heavily.

Meredith.

She had become this huge part of his life in such a short period of time. Yet the obstacles they continually faced were enough to fill a lifetime. He couldn't deny though, that for the most part, they themselves created the obstacles.

He hadn't meant to hurt her. When he went back to Addison, he thought he was doing the right thing, the honorable thing. He long ago realized that it was absolutely the most cowardly thing he could have done.

He had left the woman he truly loved, to live a lie with his estranged wife. In the end he only hurt both women. He never gave his marriage to Addison a real chance. His thoughts, day and night, consumed by fantasies of Meredith.

Eventually, after a passionate night with Meredith, he divorced Addison. Meredith, broken with wounds that would forever need healing, reluctantly took him back.

Life for them however, was never the same.

Meredith has spent their time apart building walls around herself that would take a lifetime to break down. Their connection on a physical level was passionate, filled with fire and desperate need. As he thought back to their time together, he realized that had been the only way she had accepted him. She had allowed him back into her bed, but not back into her heart.

And now for the rest of his life, when an opportunity arose to be a part of Meredith Grey's life, even briefly, he was helpless to reject it.

As he sat looking out the window of the airplane, at the passing clouds, he wondered if maybe this time he should have made more of an effort to fight the pull of Meredith Grey.

_I've outlined the story direction and it will be a total of 10 chapters. It'll be a fun, angsty, saga that may or may not have a happy ending. ;) - S.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_Here yah go. I really agonized over every paragraph in this chapter and I hope the flow between chapters is making sense. I also hope you enjoy it and as always, I welcome constructive criticism because I am a newb at this Fan Fiction writing. Btw what's a BETA and do I need one? Thanks for all the wonderful reviews everyone! - S_

_9-22 update: Needed to tweak a couple things with this chapter that were bothering me, namely flow and time line issues. Chapter 3 is progressing, though I don't know when it will be complete. Six more days till Season 4 premiere - I am so excited! _

CHAPTER TWO

They had landed just after 2 P.M local time. Derek stepped off the plane and was instantly engulfed by the warm ocean air. Inhaling deeply he felt momentarily settled before his thoughts quickly came back around to Meredith. He was still very unsure about this entire trip but the thought of seeing her again, all beautiful and vibrant, made him smile wildly. He had missed her terribly there was no doubt about that.

As he maneuvered to collect his luggage and rent a car, he tried to gauge all the possible reactions from Meredith. It was unlikely she would tell him to leave but he had no idea what her current state of mind was, so he couldn't discount the possibility. She was also unlikely to welcome him with open arms, but again, everything was a possibility.

He groaned loudly. This trip was definitely a mistake, he thought miserably. More then once he had wanted to turn around and go straight back to Seattle.

Derek collected his rental car and headed out for the peaceful drive on the curving Maui roadways. He had visited Maui at least once before with his family when he was just a young boy. His dad had still been alive then and the memories of his family, happy and thriving, washed over him. He was suddenly wishing he could go back in time, to that place where life was uncomplicated and full of youthful innocence.

He sighed heavily and pressed his foot harder to the gas pedal, speeding towards his destination.

Arriving at the hotel he checked into his Villa and provided a generous tip to the bellman. He then immediately collapsed on a nearby sofa and surveyed his surroundings.

The Villa was absolutely incredible. It was spacious, with a full size kitchen, living and dining area and two bedrooms. Directly behind the sofa was a terrace with a set of oak French doors. Beyond the doors was a path that led down to a secluded beach. Derek remembered that all of Hawaii's beaches were public however difficult access to many of them made them exceptionally private.

His eyes came around to a phone on a nearby table and he debated whether to call her or not. They had only been apart only a few weeks but he knew there was a very real possibility that she had met someone on the trip, although he was sure Cristina would have mentioned it to him.

The thought of Meredith with another man made him violently ill. Despite everything, Meredith was his and he wouldn't just sit back and allow someone else to take her from him. Still as crazy as it was, he decided against calling her. It would be much more difficult for her to push him away in person. If someone else _was_ in her suite, well, he would just cross that bridge when he came to it.

Before heading out he decided on a quick shower first. He wanted to look his best when he gave Meredith Grey the surprise of her life.

Meredith lounged around her own Villa feeling incredibly relaxed and replenished. After breakfast she had desperately needed to stop the constant thoughts of Derek racing through her mind. She had decided to treat herself to a day at the spa and for hours, she was pampered, manicured and massaged. She couldn't remember the last time she had been so ridiculously indulged. For the most part the plan had worked and she managed to go at least thirty minutes before even thinking about Derek. A major victory for love torn, Meredith Grey.

She padded to the bedroom, and quickly changed into a dark blue bikini top and skirt. Slipping her freshly manicured toes into her sandals, her mind wandered about what to do for dinner that night. Little did she know that the knock she suddenly heard at the door would alter her plans for the rest of the evening, and possibly for the rest of her stay in Hawaii.

She strolled to the door, peered through the peephole and her heart stopped.

"Derek..." She gasped. She swung the door open and there he stood, in all his moody, sexy, and stubbled, glory.

Derek stood frozen in his spot unable to speak. His mouth agape at the vision that stood before him.

_He had seen her naked thousands of times._

_Had made love to her in the most incredible positions_.

_Even undressed her a few times with his teeth. _

None of that, _none of that_ compared to seeing her stand there, tanned and beautiful, dressed in nothing more then a bikini top and mini skirt. He was _immediately_ aroused and it took all of his willpower to not strip her naked and take her right there in the doorway.

Prior too this moment he had loved everything about Seattle, but the dreary rainy weather denied him being able to see Meredith dressed like this and that annoyed him. He made a quick mental note to start looking for new jobs for both of them in some beautiful California coastal town. Refusal to do so, not an option on Meredith's part, he decided firmly.

"Hi." He mumbled, as he shoved the rose in her direction, his thoughts still engulfed in the many, many pleasurable things he wanted to do to her right now.

Without taking her eyes off him, she accepted his gift.

"Thanks, its uh, great." She stammered, finally tearing her eyes away from him and staring down at the rose.

Without thinking she stepped to the side, silently inviting him in. He passed by her close, a little too close. The lavender smell of her conditioner threatened to undo him for the second time in less then five minutes. He inhaled sharply and quickly stepped passed her into the living area.

She closed the door gently and for a moment didn't turn around, one hand resting on the door knob.

"I know this must be a surprise..." He started to say, the sound of his voice prompting her to turn around. As she stared at him, the rose fell to her side, the sharp thorns cutting wickedly into her thumb. The pain, however, going unnoticed by Meredith.

Disbelief flooding her delicate features, all she could focus on was the man standing before her. Had he really flown all this way just to see her?

"Say something Meredith." He pleaded, interrupting her thoughts.

"I'm...I'm going to put the rose in some water." She said, shaking her head. She wandered to the kitchen, ran water into a small cup and gently placed the rose inside the cup. The blood from her thumb streaming down into the water.

He followed her, taking a seat at the kitchen bar.

"It's beautiful, Derek..." She said as she gently fingered the smooth petals of the rose. No one had ever gotten her flowers before and she felt quickly overwhelmed by the gesture and by Derek's sudden appearance.

"Do you want me to leave, Mer?" He asked, cautiously, afraid of what her answer was going to be. He could see that he had flustered her very, very quickly.

She turned off the water and set the rose on the counter, finally looking up at him.

As she stood there, staring at him, she felt a rush of emotions. She could make this so much easier for both of them by just telling him to leave. She _needed_ to tell him to leave, to run away and never look back.

Instead she stood there and stared at the man she deeply loved. The man she shared such an explosive passion with, just being near him set her body on fire. The familiar ache to have his hands and lips all over her naked body washed over her. This is what Derek Shepherd did to her, her body left in a constant state of arousal whenever he was near.

She knew in her heart she wanted this time with him. She needed him and no amount of self flagellating could convince her otherwise. Not when he was standing right there in front of her. It was wrong and self destructive for both of them, but in this moment, she didn't care.

Despite the relentless pain they inflicted during the time they had known each other, she knew they _both_ needed this. The constant suffering had been undeserving and meaningless, yet here they were, together again, ready to levy the same excruciating pain against each other. It was a vicious cycle that neither of them knew how to break.

"Mer?" He called out her name softly again forcing her out of her thoughts.

She swallowed hard and gave him one of her familiar half smiles.

"I was just about to go for a walk down to the beach, uh ... do you want to join me?"

He smiled back at her, his blue eyes shining. "Yeah, Mer. I would love that."

They walked side by side down to the beach. As they reached closer to the water, Derek left her side briefly to take in the magnificent Pacific Ocean in all her grandeur. It was just a little past 5 P.M and the warm salty winds were picking up as dusk hovered nearby. The waves crashed to the shore, growing larger and larger with each passing hour.

"This is awesome." He yelled back at her, the thunder of the crashing waves almost drowning him out.

"Yeah. I just love it here." She said looking out towards the water. It was the absolute truth. Since the moment she arrived she hadn't wanted to leave. The peacefulness and simplicity of the island, mollified her and made her feel abnormally human again.

She made her way further down the beach to a nearby chaise lounge and snuggled in, content to just sit and watch him. She hadn't seen him in three weeks, but she could see that he had lost some weight. He was still sexy as ever though and her constant visions of his naked body wrapped around hers caused her to inwardly groan.

Derek started back towards her, but not before collecting a pebble and tossing it into the ocean. He then collected four or five more and tossed each one into the water before finally making his way back to her and crashing on the chaise alongside hers. His eyes were shining and a smile covered his face.

She grinned at him.

He stared sheepishly back at her, as though he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The expression made her laugh out loud in that infectious way that he had loved so much.

"You're laughing at me." He said, still smiling.

"I'm sorry. You look like a kid out here. It's just adorable."

"Well, life definitely seems more simple out here. To be able to use the time to act like a kid again is awesome."

She studied him closely for a moment and frowned. He looked incredibly exhausted and worn down, like she had never seen before. Being one of the most sought after Neurosurgeons in the country was partly to blame, but this was different. She saw pain behind his eyes and her heart broke for him. She had done this to him, she thought sadly.

She wanted nothing more then to comfort him, to ease his pain, but she knew that would be impossible. She resisted the temptation to reach out and pull him to her.

"So uh...are you staying here? I mean at _this_ resort?" She asked, quickly correcting herself.

"Yes, I believe 3 or 4 _private _beaches that-a-way." He answered, pointing in the direction of his Villa. He turned to look at her and for a moment his eyes locked with hers. She quickly broke away from his gaze. The momentum created becoming a little too much for her.

"So you never asked me." He said softly, looking out towards the sea. "Why I came out here..." He turned back to face her, his gaze questioning, unsure.

"The answer wasn't important to me." She said softly, shrugging her shoulders.

Encouraged by her answer he slowly edged off of his chaise and onto hers. She shifted slightly to give him more room, her body facing his.

"I'm o.k with that." He whispered, as he gently pulled her closer to him, both of them easily melting into the embrace, their bodies becoming tangled like two pieces of fine thread. She hesitantly raised a hand to caress his cheek, her eyes, smoky, and filled with need.

His lips were now just mere inches from hers. He paused briefly before slowly meeting her lips with his. The kiss began agonizingly sweet, Derek tasting her lips in gentle short motions.

Meredith groaned softly.

Wanting more she parted her lips, and he thrust his tongue deep inside her mouth. For long moments, they sat there, passionately rediscovering each other with their mouths, lips and tongues. When they finally parted they were panting, gasping for air.

"Derek..." she pleaded, her eyes begging for more of him.

"Meredith..."

Her mouth was still inches from his, taunting him, begging him to continue the assault on her wet, swollen lips. Unable to resist, his lips again crashed down on hers in a sweet symphony of passion and hunger. Finally pulling away he pressed his forehead to hers, trying to slow his frantic pulse and tame his growing arousal.

"Not now, not here..." He growled softly, his eyes searching hers, begging for understanding. She responded by laying her head on his chest and snuggling closer to him. For what seemed like hours, they laid together in comfortable silence, watching the sun continue her descent into the sea. It wasn't until he felt her shiver in his arms that he became aware of how chilly it had become.

"We should go inside." He said to her. She nodded, and reluctantly peeled herself away from him, taking his hand in hers and leading him inside.

Once indoors she excused herself to change into cotton pants and a T-shirt. Derek, trying to hide his disappointment at the wardrobe change, decided now was as good a time as any to ask her about the night she left Seattle.

Not surprisingly she tried to shut down the conversation.

"It's not important Derek." She stated firmly. She turned away and headed to the kitchen, throwing open a drawer to pull out a room-service menu. "You must be starving, we can order in. I know the Walnut Prawns are..."

"We can't forget about this, Mer..." She continued to prattle on about other choices listing about 6 different items, ignoring him.

"Meredith!" He interrupted her, "Would you just forget about the food?" He was getting irritated and he wasn't quite sure why. He had had been expecting this, the walls and the avoiding.

"Why won't you talk to me?" He pleaded with her.

Finally she abandoned the menu's and turned to face him, her eyes filled with such sadness that he hadn't seen since Addison showed up.

"Because it hurts too much Derek."

He stepped closer to her, his arms reaching out but not quite able to touch her.

"We can't go on like this forever. We have to talk about this. I need to understand what you are feeling."

Her eyes suddenly became dark, and what he saw made his heart shatter.

He knew. Before she even said a word, he knew.

"There isn't going to be a forever, Derek." She said simply. Her voice hollow and devoid of any emotion, her walls firmly erect and enforced.

Her words cut through Derek like a ten-blade with less anesthesia. She wasn't coming back to him, at least not for good. He suddenly felt like her constant one night stand, taking him back when she needed him, but tossing him aside when she felt too suffocated. He was forever doomed to exist in this vicious cycle because he was head over heels in love with her.

Meredith had long ago accepted her reality and it was absolute. She couldn't have Derek Shepherd, even fleetingly. It was simply not meant to be. This was Meredith Grey's reality.

He swung his arms out in a gesture of helpless defeat. "Then you should have told me to leave, Meredith. The minute I walked through that door."

"I know that." She whispered.

He wanted to leave. He wanted to turn his back on her and run. He wanted to forget Meredith Grey ever existed but he knew that was impossible. She had become ingrained in his soul, leaving now would destroy him beyond words.

He stumbled to the couch and collapsed like a pile of bricks, finally succumbing to his mental exhaustion. He endured marathon thirty hour surgeries but still never did he feel so spent, so unable to function.

She followed him to the living area, and fell to another smaller couch adjacent the one Derek was on. She turned and gazed out the window, in the darkness, she could barely see the water, but she could hear the violence of the waves crashing into the beach.

"Why didn't you tell me to leave?" His soft voice asked, drifting from behind her.

She closed her eyes, trying to hold back her tears. She had spent so many days of this trip doing nothing but crying over him, and what she was unable to be for him. Just when she thought her heart could stand it no more, he had shown up here, his heart on his sleeve.

Every moment that she was with him, she fell deeper in love with him. It was a love that enveloped her so completely, it threatened her very existence. She was terrified of this, terrified of the possibility that she could be happy.

"Because you're here, and you're Derek and despite everything... I miss you. I can't give you the future, Derek. I can't _be_ the love of your life. When you showed up here I thought maybe just maybe I could give you right now, but that's impossible isn't it?"

She heard movement behind her and turned around to find herself staring into his eyes.

_The new cycle had begun..._

He leaned close and cupped her face with both hands, his eyes bearing into her. He gently caressed her face and she shivered from the contact. When he touched her, it was like a thousand lightning bolts rushing through her body. Tears welled up in her eyes as he leaned in and placed his lips on hers in a soft but desperate kiss. She again eagerly accepted his lips and deepened the kiss by pulling him closer. While her mind bore the ability to push Derek out her life, her body did not and she wanted him, desperately. Their movements became more frantic as she began to tug at his shirt forcing him to pull away from her. They were both emotionally exhausted and Derek feared if they made love now, it would be full of desperate violent rage.

"I don't think we can let this happen. Not tonight..." He said. She looked up at him with sadness in her eyes. She knew he was right, the fire that burned inside of them was incredibly explosive. Fueled by their current state of emotions, coming together now would be like the Apocalypse, ending their existence while shattering their bodies into a thousand pieces.

She rose from the couch and pulled Derek to his feet and led him to her bedroom. Once there she peeled out of her clothes and slipped between the sheets of the bed, naked. He groaned softly and followed her lead. He snuggled in beside her and held her tight, savoring the feel of her skin next to his.

As sleep began to slowly overcome him Derek thought about how bleak their future looked. Despite all her walls and her efforts to push him away, he had to believe that she loved him. And somehow over the next few days he would have to find a way to convince Meredith that she deserved this, that she deserved to be loved unconditionally. Drowning in semi consciousness and snuggling closer to her, he vowed to win their future together, because not doing so would tear them apart forever and that was a reality he was not willing to accept.


End file.
